Fancies

Do you think it’s ok to try all kinds of things that you sooo want to try but after playing with it for a while move on to something else, that you now want as badly? Or do you think you should pick one thing and stick to it? What do I think, well, let’s see.

I was on maternity leave for a year and these are the things that I’ve tried. The pattern was like this: I get into something, will totally fall in love with it, will talk about it day and night or at least dream about it day and night. Mat leave was pretty lonely time for me… but anyway, here is my list

1. Jade Egg Goddess training
2. Piano – still going
3. Fly Lady – loved it, did so much, but had to give up due to plain exhaustion
4. Qi Gong (DVD, only did a couple of times)
5. Wicca (books – love the books, love the idea of women finding themselves, but I want more)
6. Shamanism(books, same as 5)
7. Pole Dancing (yes, I’ve got the pole. No, I don’t really dance. Turned out to be a lot harder than I was hoping it to be)
8. Belly dancing( Loved my DVDs and my belly dancing top and belt. Want to do more, but don’t have time)
9. Yoga nidra – (CDs) totally loved it why it lasted
10. Ipsalu Tantra (books, training, lasted a few months 😦 Hard to be on my own, would like to do a trainign course)
11. Wave dancing – 5 rhythms (books, CDs)  loved dancing
12. Yoga, hatha yoga and kundalini yoga (dvd, books) – did some stretching, gave up due to other infatuations
13. Hoola hoop dancing – dvd and of course the hoola hoop – oh, it’s fun

I wanted it all sooo much, I wanted it with all my heart. I craved something that i will be doing just for me. After a day with 2 kids, I dreamed of being alone and doing something just for me. I needed the DVDs because I wasn’t able to get out of the house for more than 2 hours, so classes wasn’t really an option. If I really wanted, I suppose I could, but it felt like too much work. DVDs were perfect. And my books – I read so much.  Why did I quit all these things? Is it ok to keep looking until you find something that is truly you? I wanted so many more things too. Good thing I was on budget. It was hard not to work for a year, and it’s really nice my husband being a very responsible man had the finances planned in such way that it wasn’t a problem. Am I running away from myself, by being completely into something up until the moment I can have it and then I move to a new thing. Good  news is that for me it’s not so much about things but experiences. But sill, am I just playing with it all and it’s ok or am I not being honest and true to myself, and using it just to distruct myself enough so I don’t have to face the bigger issues?

By the way, I wanted so many more things and still do. How am I going to find time to do it all? One little step at a time. Not all at once, but within 5 years you can do quite a lot. You can become quite a good pianist (at the beginner-intermediate level, noone here talks about some bigger things) You can surely learn how to sing and carry a tune. You can get your body in a perfect shape (I’m not afraid of the word perfect) You can learn how to dance and fulfill your desire to dance on stage. You can start tantra apprenticeship and get to a nice solid level where your life will be nothing like it is right now. Right? You want to teach – you can start. Start small. One step at a time. Get certified. Take training. Start with a few women-friends. Find a location you can use and dance – call for action to other women, you’ll have support. Don’t worry about it, you’ll have support. You can definitely find a job you’ll love and what I hope for – find a way to finance the living you want. Find a way for a business that will cover you basic expenses and will allow you to travel and take workshops and learn, while requiring only minimum supervision. Wouldn’t it be nice? yes, it would be very nice indeed. Do I want too much? I don’t think so at all. And yes, if you start now – in 5 years you’d be a lot more flexible than if you do not start. Like with the piano – I can play Fur Elise now, where would I’ve been if I didn’t start? that’s right, nowhere.