Goddess Rhianna's Blog

Becoming a tantrica

My very first post December 16, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — goddessrhianna @ 3:40 pm

Ok, here I am – starting. Beginnings. I’ve been journaling so much lately, and I knew I need to get it out there. I don’t’ want to keep myself limited to my notebooks stuck on the shelf where no one will read it. I want to bring it to the world. I’m starting a journey. I’m at the beginning of the path. 5 years form now I’ll be in a different place. I want to look back and remember where I started. And I want to inspire you – cause if I could do it, so can you. Now I need to explain what it is a want to do in the next 5 years and who I am, where I am starting at.

Let’s start with who I am – at this moment. I am 35 years old, I’m a mother of 2 wonderful children ages 4 and 17 months. I’ve been married for 10 years to a wonderful man. I’ll have to elaborate more on the state of my marriage, because this is one of my goals – I want to bring us to a whole different level. I’m very educated and I have professional job which I just don’t love anymore. What am I going to do about it? I used to love my job, plus I don’t know how to do anything else. What else can I do? I sure like making the money, my job pays well, but it became just a job and a stressful one at that. I’m not good at it anymore either. I used to love it and I used to be good. I’m going to take a few steps and see how I can make it better and I’ll be thinking of what else I could do to make the money. I wish I could have a lot more time to do what I love to do, such as be wish my kids, dance, read, play, be physically active, travel and do my spiritual practice.

So here we come to my spiritual practice – and again, I’m just starting. 3 weeks ago I took a Living From Truth workshop on self expression that inspired me so much. i don’t want to live small anymore, I don’t want to limit myself as I’ve been doing all my life. I don’t want to live in my head, with my heart closed. This is what I don’t want. What is it a want then? I want to make a difference. I want to live my life fully, I want to live with my heart open. I want to follow my passions and not run away from my fears. I want to have “real” relationships with everyone I encounter on my path. I want to be in touch with my body and my soul. I want to fell the connection with the universe, with God. I want to feel One. I want to inspire, I want to teach. I still have lots to learn, but I want to teach what I have learned.

I want to be a tantrika and a dakini. There, I said it. Tantra, a spiritual path, originating in India, that embraces sexual energy as a way of achieving conscious awakening and enlightenment. I feel a very strong connection with this world. It fascinates me. I want to be a part of that community, a full member in my own right. I want to learn and I want to teach. And again, I’m just beginning. I’ve taken a workshop, and I’ve read a lot. Have I done much? No, I haven’t. Not yet.

My live till I was 30 was all about me, work, career, my husband, travel. And then we had kids. New cycle started. My baby girl was the most beautiful thing in the whole world. When I first held her in my arms, I found myself. My heart opened – I never knew I am capable of so much love. I had a water birth with my midwifes – it was perfect. One of the most empowering experiences in my life. No drugs – fully conscious. I loved breastfeeding, I loved being a mother, but I was clearly not a staying home material – I wasn’t very happy, so I went back to work, studied new skills, got a new job – and all this time I wanted another baby. Oh, it was like hunger – every day, I couldn’t not think about it, it was constantly on my mind – I wanted another baby. I think I new we had agreement before times, I knew our family wouldn’t be complete without him, so here he is – born 17 months ago – my son! And I thought I was having a girl. I don’t want to have anymore children, I know in my heart that our family is now complete, I fulfilled this destiny. And not I’m ready for new path.

I am craving time for me. I breastfed for 15 month, and both of my kids were eating every 2 hours at night, I was never able to stretch this period. So I was getting a sleep deprived zombie, able to do just the minimum of tasks, and probably starting to get depressed, no desire to do anything extra, no desire for anything, including my husband. This was not an easy time, but I don’t regret it at all, I got 2 happy and healthy kids, this is all that matters. Now, that my son sleeps through the night, that I don’t breastfeed anymore – I’m free. Free to be me. I want so many things.

Let’s see now, what is it I want. How about it will be a new post.

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