Goddess Rhianna's Blog

Becoming a tantrica

Fear December 29, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — goddessrhianna @ 10:26 am

Why am I so scared? I feel like I’m full of shit today. I’m scared. I’m shut down, I can’t really function and I can’t even hear myself, I am so disconnected. The reason – I made a small tiny step towards my goal, that put me out there. It’s the safest thing, you’d think, that I can do, but no, I’m all shaken and fearful. How do you deal with fear? I guess, they say feel the fear and do it anyway. So I did. But it doesn’t feel good, it feels force, I don’t’ really feel the connection with my goal and I’m not sure what to do now. If I continue, it’ll be all forced. All from my mind again and the will power. Oh, I do have the will power; I can make myself do a lot of things. But it’s not the point here, is it? I’m learning to do things from the heart. I thought I’m learning to act from my heart, from this centered, connected place that is inside of me, that is me. The whole idea that I don’t have to change anything, I am already whole, I already am all I can be. I can access it at any time. Well, maybe I am anything, so right now I am fearful and all in my head and I’m not even sure why….Am I afraid? I really like the famous quote by Marianne Williamson “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us…And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” I find it true. But why? Is it the old habits? Mind games? Why does it happen? And most importantly, how to overcome it and come back to my center?

So let me explain what happened. My dream is to resurrect a Goddess Dance in my community. 3 years ago I was a part of a Goddess workshop that has changed my life. The lady who taught it also led a Goddess dance once a week, where women were free to dance in any way they wanted, in the atmosphere of love, acceptance, joy and freedom. It was so wonderful to be with other women and just dance. Oh, I love dancing so much. And it’s not the same to dance alone. It makes it 100 times better to share it with other women. An evening with other women recharges you like hardly anything else does. Especially for us who works in the masculine world, it is such a gift. I was coming back home to my husband basking in my feminine glory, glowing, joyful, recharged and now, that I spend time away from him, time for myself – I wanted him. I wanted to be back,  I felt re-filled and I was free to give. I still have my Goddess group that gives me a lot of these, but I am missing the dance. The chance to move my body with music, engage my whole body, feel it, listen to how the body wants to move – and share it all with other women. There might be other groups here in the city who dance, but I don’t know about them. I don’t want to join a class either, I don’t want another class, I don’t want to learn a new routine, I just want to move.

So my plan is to reach my community and see if there are other women who would support me, and see if there is a space we could use or rent – affordable space. I want to make it happen – one a month or once a week. Wouldn’t it be glorious? Wonderful? Lovely? I can see myself being there, welcoming each women with a hug and a smile – gazing into her soul, Welcome, sister.

Well, then, why am I so scared? I made a first move – I sent en email to my dearest friends and women who were at the dance 3 years ago. I welcomed their suggestions; I just wanted to run it by them first. My next step is the bigger community. What is the worst thing that could happen – well, I’ll try and fail. Nothing will happen. No dance. So, I’m no worse than I am now. Just because I opened up to some people (People who are very supportive and loving) and didn’t do anything – it’s still not the worst thing in the world. It’s nothing. Now, if it works though, I’d be very very happy. It would be a first step to live my dreams, to be big, to manifest things, to make it happen. To live from my heart and share it with others. I’m tired of living small, inside of the small box I build myself. I want a break through. I want to teach!!!! How am I supposed to teach if I get so fearful just by the simple acts of courage?

Or should I be gentler with myself? Should I be more understanding, that even a small tiniest step towards my goals is still a breakthrough. Like a small flower who emerges through the surface to the light – I’m sure those first steps are pretty hard.  But then you are in the light. Will it be easier then? I hope it will be. Maybe it will not, because there will be a different level of difficulties. After all it was pretty safe in the dark. Now you are seen; and there are also wind and rain and storms and dark nights. But the sun will come, and it’s all worth it. And the alternative is to stay in the dark forever. Well, exactly like Anaïs Nin said: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”.

It feels good to write it. No, it doesn’t’ feel good to be me right now. I’m sure it will be very good if I succeed. Why can’t I even believe in it right now? I now all the tricks. Believe in it. Live and breathe it and it will happen. There are steps that I can do, goals that I can set, make sure I do a little step every day and there is a very reasonable expectation that Ic an make it happen. Common, even if I open my house once a month to a group of likeminded women to get together and dance. Yes, in my basement. Yes, I have kids and stuff, but once a month, would it be such a big deal? Am I afraid that no one will come? Yes, I’m afraid of that, but so what? Even if no one will come – at least I tried. And again, I’m no worse that I am now. I will have a scheduled time and music and even if I dance alone, I’m still OK. I’m really trying hard to understand now, why is it so scary? How is it for all other people who take risks daily? Imagine if they all got so sacred and didn’t do anything. The world would be a pretty pathetic and sad place. I bet you it wasn’t easy for them either. I bet you they feel scared at times and disconnected. But they overcome it, and so will I. I know I will. How to do it with more heart and more grace and kindness remains to be seen.

 I just had an insight. It’s like I have this little tiny light inside of me. It will grow and It will become very powerful, but at first, I need to be very gentle with it, so I don’t loose it. I can push it into the wind yet, I need to protect it and carry it protected, and make sure it had the source of oxygen to keep going. Little little flame, because you are just starting, dear child. Make it grow big, feel the fire in your soul and you’ll be unstoppable. The bigger it grows, the  stronger you’ll be. Love you. Thank you.

 

Mission December 24, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — goddessrhianna @ 9:56 pm

It’s like I’m a different person now and I didn’t even had to change. I had it in me all along. How is it even possible? Why did it happen? How could I live not knowing who I was, what my purpose was. How could I be so closed? I’m looking at some people now and I can’t believe how they are living or how they are acting, and I used to be exactly like them. I didn’t know better. This Christmas season I’m going around giving hugs, sharing myself, connecting with people. Last year – I was afraid to do it. I couldn’t hug anybody at work. Of course I’d say merry Christmas, but I was closed, it wasn’t from the heart. This time it’s from the heart. It’s still not easy. I had to overcome some old patterns. I felt resistance. I was going to send a “Merry Christmas” email and felt hesitant. In my old way of thinking (and how screwed up is that) I wasn’t sure what would people think about me… what would people think if I wish them merry Christmas… for crying out loud, how could I live being so shut down from life and not even know it. It hurts. I see people who are doing exactly the same, leaving home from work without even exchanging a friendly word with anyone… It makes me sad. Anyway, I was on a mission this year – to score hugs and to inspire people to open up a bit. Hugs felt so good. My email felt so good – I sent it to 84 people (that’s only at work) – wishing them merry Christmas and letting them know the mattered to me in the last year. Of course they loved it and I got so many replies.  Why would anybody be shy to do it? Nevertheless, I was shy just a few weeks ago. How could I change so much? I didn’t have to force anything, I didn’t have to work on it, I just had to act from the heart. And I feel like I know what my mission is now – to touch the hearts of everyone I meet. Just by being me. Just by living authentically. Just by sharing my light. By connecting. By acknowledging the divine beings in everyone I meet. And I meet everyone. Just those little acts of kindness, could be a sincere smile to a stranger, a sincere “have a good day” to a colleague, a loooooong hug to a child.  On the surface it might be the same acts I used to do before, But it feels 100% different when it comes from the heart. And not from fear, not from the mind. I can feel my light shining through my eyes. I can feel how I connect with people. I sense the instant recognition, on the soul level. We are all one. We are not different. And this is how I want to live my truth – by showing up, by living big, a woman on a mission.

I also see now very clearly how you can’t really teach any of that, because unless the person is ready, they just wouldn’t understand. It’s not about practice, it’s not about some routing how to get rid of the old habits and build new ones. It’s about uncovering who you really are. You already are all you want to be, all you can be. Pure potential – it’s all already here. You are a gift, you are a child, you are a God or a Goddess. But if you don’t know this, if you don’t feel it deep inside, if you don’t know that this is the truth, how can it be thought. GO – and find out who you are. There are many many ways to get to the top of the mountain. Illumination Intensive was the shortest way for me. It worked for me. Something else might work better for you. Figure out what it is and do it, it’s worth it. I get it now, I really get it. I used to try to meditate and sit quietly trying to get rid of my thoughts. I didn’t know what to expect, I didn’t know what was supposed to happen, I didn’t know where was I suppose to go with it. I didn’t realize the simple truth – you go inside. You find your center, you feel your heart, you feel connected – then you are arrived, you don’t have to go anywhere form there. Maybe for others, when practicing meditation, they do discover it eventually, they arrive to this sacred spot. For me, it was the other way around, I first discovered this about me, I first felt it all inside of me, then I knew what meditation is supposed to be.

 I love you all, we are all one. Live big, don’t be afraid. Find yourself. Isn’t it what it’s all about – find yourself and live your truth. Nothing else to do, no body is broken, there is nothing to fix. You are already all you want to be. You are love.

 

Insights December 21, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — goddessrhianna @ 12:25 am
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So I had an insight. Is it obviuos? I feel kind of silly for not realizing it before. But I didn’t. Here it is: when I was frustrated during sex because I thought I didn’t/couldn’t have an orgasm, I was actually experiencing valley orgasms. Which are just different from peak orgasms. I was expecting a peak, I was trying to get my body to peak, i was pushing myself, instead of relaxing in the experience, completely enjoying what I had. Why have expectations, why try to force it, why have the mind interfere? Just be open and enjoy. You were having a lot more orgasms than you thought. Now you can practise circulating this energy through the entire body. Love you. You are just discovering yourself – how exciting. But I’m 35 years old, shouldn’t I have discovered it already? Just relax and go with the flow. Before you learned different lessons, now the fun starts. Be glad that you are discovering it. That you didn’t live your life in darkness(self imposed). Be glad that it’s not too late. Be love, be light.

 

Week ends December 20, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — goddessrhianna @ 9:22 pm

Why are weekends so tiring? Why instead of recharging, relaxing and having fun, it feels like work, stress, too much, opposite of fun and pretty much exhausting? We are trying, we do fun things with the kids, we go out, we work out, we went skiing twice (without the kids, they were having their nap and my parents baby sat). We went to the mall, had ice creams, rode merry-go-round and still… I almost fell apart at the end of the day and am feeling miserable. Why is this? Cannot I organize the kids, our schedule and our life better?  Why cannot I be relaxed and goddessy around the kids? Because it is about the kids. It’s this little things that I didn’t realize before kids – you don’t’ have any more of your own time. It just doesn’t happen. The 17 months old requires attention all the time. And while he is an easy going and happy baby – if he’s not happy, he lets you know. He’s a normal perfect kid. But I just don’t get enough time in the day to recharge, to be me, to do what I want. Does it make me a bad mom? We all try to be this ideal mama, who is never upset or tired, who knows answers to all the questions, and knows exactly how to deal with any situation. Well, I guess I’m not one. I do think I’m a pretty good mom – I do not yell, I’d never hit or spank a child, I’m pretty calm and trying to give them as much freedom to explore the world as possible. I love them so much and I let them know it. I meet their needs. I do not believe a baby or a small kid can do something bad – if they do what they are not supposed to do, it’s my fault, not theirs. There is no need for punishment, I need to watch them better, or teach them better. And I try. But I do get tired, I do feel exhausted, and I can’t wait to the end of the day when they go to sleep. Do you know how guilty it makes me feel to write these words? What can be done about this? I don’t know. One thing I do know is that it gets easier when they are older. Physically easier – there is no need for 100% supervision. And there are things they can do themselves. And you can explain, talk and negotiate. Oh, a power of negotiation. There is no negotiation with a 1 year old. 3 years old on the other hand is quite capable of figuring out what has to happen before she can watch a movie. Oh yea, I bribe my kids. First eat, then ice cream. First clean up the toys, then a movie. Do you want to go for a walk- get dressed. Works like a charm. But this never ending work of caring for the children – I am tired and I do not recharge. And weekends are worse then the work week. There, I said it. I don’t want it to be like this. I’m hoping I’ll be able to figure it out. I’m hoping I’m just still recovering from the year of sleep deprivation and 2 things will happen – I’ll get more rested and get in a better shape and my son will be older, pass the teething stage, will be able to communicate more and, gasp, he and my daughter will be able to play more on their own!!! Living me to be able to do one simple thing – quality time with them instead of quantity. I’m hoping to be able to cook dinner when nobody is crying, but they are all playing happily. I’m hoping for some time to rest when I need to. I’m hoping for a great time playing with them and being outside with them without constant worry of somebody is going to cry soon and what am I going to do about it. My daughter now loves skiing and hiking, so I’m just hoping soon all 4 of us will be able to do all that. And I need to be way more relaxed if I want all that. Why my husband can do it perfectly? I keep it all inside, until I loose it, usually when I’m alone of ih my husband happens to be there. It just isn’t right? Is there a secret I need to learn? Is it easy for everybody else? How do you make it work? I need help. What you need right now – is more sleep. Go play the piano and go to sleep for crying out loud. Get your body a rest it needs. Everything is different when you are rested. Love you.

 

Procrastinating December 19, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — goddessrhianna @ 10:51 pm

 I’m not practicing – why is it I’m avoiding my piano. I used to crave my piano time, I used to play an hour every day. I couldn’t stop. Why don’t I do it now? Why do I come with so many other things to do and try to avoid thinking about it. Why do I set a deadline, saying that I’d play at 9 for 30 minutes, and then it’s 9, 9:30, 10 – and I still haven’t played. And then it’s too late, I’m too sleepy, and it’s no point to practice anyway. Why do I do that? Or I practice for 10 minutes and think it’s enough and then I wonder why I don’t progress as fast anymore. I was so happy with my progress. Why am I doing it? Am I hitting a plateau? Am I plainly procrastinating? Am I avoiding it? And most importantly, what am I going to do about it? I want to play. I want to play so much. There is only one way to learn – practice. What do I want to do? Leave alone, it’s pretty silly to pay a teacher weekly and practice 10 minutes a day.   I might as well do it on my own. I just hope this spell will pass and I’ll be back to 1 hour practice. All on it’s own. I really don’t want to put any efforts into it right now. Why? What’s wrong? Am I going to quit? Do I want to quit and call it an end? No, no, I don’t want to quit. I’m just too tired to think about it right now. I’m sleep deprived. I’m doing so many things at the same time. I want to read so many book, I want to write, I want to dance. And I go to bed so late, I’m so tired the next day, and I’m not too happy about it all. And it goes day by day and so I’m running within this circle and not sure how to break it. Well, it’s easy – 1) make a deal to go to bed early. By 10. (I’m up before 6 a.m., so to get enough sleep I need to go to bed by 10.)  2)  Practice 30 minutes a day – before you do anything else. Before, not after. 3) Use the best practices to make most progress at this time. 4) go a step back and play something easy to build confidence and to see your progress. And do it!!!!

P.S. So I did it. I went and practiced and I lost time, and now it’s 12…. Need to sleep. But I loved my practice, everything is coming together so nicely.

 

Dancing

Filed under: Uncategorized — goddessrhianna @ 9:40 pm

We went to a Christmas party yesterday. Something wonderful has happened – we danced and laughed and had a great time. I wanted to share a little something about us dancing. I usually get so frustrated with my husband, because I think that he cannot dance or why is he doing this or that, or why cannot he just relax and dance and move with the music. So, I’d get so frustrated (and embarrassed at times) that I’d live the dance floor feeling unsatisfied and frustrated. This time, I just couldn’t care less, I wanted to dance, and I thought it really doesn’t matter how he looks like, let us all have fun. So I danced, and was happy and was looking at him, connecting, flirting, taking it all in. It turned out that all he needed to do was to warm up a bit – and he wasn’t bad at all. Sure, we don’t do any of the fancy moves, we don’t really do any moves at all, but we had so much fun. The music was not exactly to my liking, too fast, too modern, but I wanted to dance so much. There was one song when almost everybody left the dance floor, it was impossible to dance with that music, at first I wanted to leave too. But then I thought, why is it that I am automatically thinking of leaving just because everybody else is. Who cares? I don’t want to leave. I want to dance. Why does it matter that we’d be alone on the dance floor and others will be watching. I am going to have fun and maybe inspire some other people to have fun too. And if not, it doesn’t matter. SO we stayed, and looking at us couple more people stayed too. And we had fun. Iw as worried that my husband would be shy – but he wasn’t. I guess at least I inspired him. He loved me dancing, he loved all the moves and how we connected. We almost never do that. SO now I know – we are going to dance lots, I just need to be much less critical and give him time and jus relax about how we look to others – who cares, they probably think about how they look. And people who don’t dance and watch – but it’s about me, not about them. They might be envious, or they might enjoy it, or they might not even notice, thinking about something else. If you want to dance – go for it.

 

Why blog December 17, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — goddessrhianna @ 10:48 pm

yes, exactly, why blog… Never before have so many written so much to be read by so few.  I love this joke, but I want to do it nevertheless. Here are my reasons:

1)      I journal anyway, I love journaling. I want to keep it all in one place

2)      I want to journal my journey. I want to look back and see how much I’ve changed. I want to see what works, and if something doesn’t – I want to know what it is too.

3)      I want to teach, I want to bring my light to the world. So this is my first little step to put myself out there. To get out of the closet. And if I can help one person – that would be great. And maybe there will be more.

4)      I’m looking for the next 5 years. I’ll be 40 then. And if I fail I’ll start it all over again.