Why am I so scared? I feel like I’m full of shit today. I’m scared. I’m shut down, I can’t really function and I can’t even hear myself, I am so disconnected. The reason – I made a small tiny step towards my goal, that put me out there. It’s the safest thing, you’d think, that I can do, but no, I’m all shaken and fearful. How do you deal with fear? I guess, they say feel the fear and do it anyway. So I did. But it doesn’t feel good, it feels force, I don’t’ really feel the connection with my goal and I’m not sure what to do now. If I continue, it’ll be all forced. All from my mind again and the will power. Oh, I do have the will power; I can make myself do a lot of things. But it’s not the point here, is it? I’m learning to do things from the heart. I thought I’m learning to act from my heart, from this centered, connected place that is inside of me, that is me. The whole idea that I don’t have to change anything, I am already whole, I already am all I can be. I can access it at any time. Well, maybe I am anything, so right now I am fearful and all in my head and I’m not even sure why….Am I afraid? I really like the famous quote by Marianne Williamson “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us…And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” I find it true. But why? Is it the old habits? Mind games? Why does it happen? And most importantly, how to overcome it and come back to my center?
So let me explain what happened. My dream is to resurrect a Goddess Dance in my community. 3 years ago I was a part of a Goddess workshop that has changed my life. The lady who taught it also led a Goddess dance once a week, where women were free to dance in any way they wanted, in the atmosphere of love, acceptance, joy and freedom. It was so wonderful to be with other women and just dance. Oh, I love dancing so much. And it’s not the same to dance alone. It makes it 100 times better to share it with other women. An evening with other women recharges you like hardly anything else does. Especially for us who works in the masculine world, it is such a gift. I was coming back home to my husband basking in my feminine glory, glowing, joyful, recharged and now, that I spend time away from him, time for myself – I wanted him. I wanted to be back, I felt re-filled and I was free to give. I still have my Goddess group that gives me a lot of these, but I am missing the dance. The chance to move my body with music, engage my whole body, feel it, listen to how the body wants to move – and share it all with other women. There might be other groups here in the city who dance, but I don’t know about them. I don’t want to join a class either, I don’t want another class, I don’t want to learn a new routine, I just want to move.
So my plan is to reach my community and see if there are other women who would support me, and see if there is a space we could use or rent – affordable space. I want to make it happen – one a month or once a week. Wouldn’t it be glorious? Wonderful? Lovely? I can see myself being there, welcoming each women with a hug and a smile – gazing into her soul, Welcome, sister.
Well, then, why am I so scared? I made a first move – I sent en email to my dearest friends and women who were at the dance 3 years ago. I welcomed their suggestions; I just wanted to run it by them first. My next step is the bigger community. What is the worst thing that could happen – well, I’ll try and fail. Nothing will happen. No dance. So, I’m no worse than I am now. Just because I opened up to some people (People who are very supportive and loving) and didn’t do anything – it’s still not the worst thing in the world. It’s nothing. Now, if it works though, I’d be very very happy. It would be a first step to live my dreams, to be big, to manifest things, to make it happen. To live from my heart and share it with others. I’m tired of living small, inside of the small box I build myself. I want a break through. I want to teach!!!! How am I supposed to teach if I get so fearful just by the simple acts of courage?
Or should I be gentler with myself? Should I be more understanding, that even a small tiniest step towards my goals is still a breakthrough. Like a small flower who emerges through the surface to the light – I’m sure those first steps are pretty hard. But then you are in the light. Will it be easier then? I hope it will be. Maybe it will not, because there will be a different level of difficulties. After all it was pretty safe in the dark. Now you are seen; and there are also wind and rain and storms and dark nights. But the sun will come, and it’s all worth it. And the alternative is to stay in the dark forever. Well, exactly like Anaïs Nin said: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”.
It feels good to write it. No, it doesn’t’ feel good to be me right now. I’m sure it will be very good if I succeed. Why can’t I even believe in it right now? I now all the tricks. Believe in it. Live and breathe it and it will happen. There are steps that I can do, goals that I can set, make sure I do a little step every day and there is a very reasonable expectation that Ic an make it happen. Common, even if I open my house once a month to a group of likeminded women to get together and dance. Yes, in my basement. Yes, I have kids and stuff, but once a month, would it be such a big deal? Am I afraid that no one will come? Yes, I’m afraid of that, but so what? Even if no one will come – at least I tried. And again, I’m no worse that I am now. I will have a scheduled time and music and even if I dance alone, I’m still OK. I’m really trying hard to understand now, why is it so scary? How is it for all other people who take risks daily? Imagine if they all got so sacred and didn’t do anything. The world would be a pretty pathetic and sad place. I bet you it wasn’t easy for them either. I bet you they feel scared at times and disconnected. But they overcome it, and so will I. I know I will. How to do it with more heart and more grace and kindness remains to be seen.
I just had an insight. It’s like I have this little tiny light inside of me. It will grow and It will become very powerful, but at first, I need to be very gentle with it, so I don’t loose it. I can push it into the wind yet, I need to protect it and carry it protected, and make sure it had the source of oxygen to keep going. Little little flame, because you are just starting, dear child. Make it grow big, feel the fire in your soul and you’ll be unstoppable. The bigger it grows, the stronger you’ll be. Love you. Thank you.